Connect..

If you have been married, you know what I am talking about. And if you are going to be married, some do's and don'ts for you follow.

Marriage is beautiful I agree, but being married.... I have no words. It is a mixture of varying emotions mostly unexpressed.

This is more from my point of view as a home maker in an unknown home.

We spend the first few months/years understanding every soul. We do everything for them, from cooking to laundry, from shopping to organizing, from giving birth to parenting. Eventually, we are so engrossed in the routine that we make these things a part of our lifestyle. We habituate ourselves into doing other jobs and feel a sense of compliance to just go on.

Imagine a few days out of home, what do we see when we come back? We see the next couple of days cleaning and organizing the mess made in our absence.

Why can't things be the way we left them? Why can't people take charge of chores in our absence? Why is there something (that was our job) always left to do?

Husbands; they know our importance but never acknowledge it until we are around or something happens to us. They do not take time out usually while we wait for them to return from work every single day. They think we are supposed to do what we are doing while the truth is, we are doing way more than our capacity just to keep things going smoothly for the rest of the family.

When a girl marries into a house, she should be added just like any other person in the family. Why should she be treated as the sole reponsible soul for the chores that are everybody's job?

Why does it create chaos when she is unwell? Why does it upset others when she doesn't want to cook one day? Or wants to take a break? Why is she expected to keep everything in place especially when she is not the one creating the mess? Why does she have to encountered rude, cold behaviours when she wishes to go out?

I somehow feel that the definition - Sundar, sushil, sukanya for marriage was created to weigh down the dreams of every girl. Traditions turn into shackles that chain her freedom. To define what she should be like instead of how she actually is. Her voice suppressed in the name of honour, her dreams shunned to fuel their pride.

I sadly say this but no girl is ever the same as she used to be. Many times she loses her individual identity to fit in or is made to do so.

You may say that things have changed now, there is equality and freedom of expression. Let me remind you that are reffering to those few thousand upgraded homes while I am talking about those millions of other households (irrespective of religion/caste) that exist in every corner of this country.

I agree that marriage is a huge transition in one's life, be it a girl or a boy. But why in the name of marriage change the basics of our human nature? Why can't we remain funny and loud? Why can't you show some sensitivity and love? Why can't there be choices made without confrontations? Why can't respect, understanding and support be the pillars of our homes?

To the husbands reading this..

We understand you work all day to provide for us but you have to understand that all we want is your companionship in every situation. We do not like to be reminded that our existence in your homes is for mere fulfilment of responsibilities that you think are ours!

We are expected to take care of everyone in the family irrespective of their behaviour or thoughts about us, aren't we entitled to soem care for ourselves? We are expected to give up our likes and accept things we dislike just to please others while experiencing discomfort ourselves.

The bindi, the mangalsutra, the bangles, the anklets become means of keeping us reminded that we are someone's wife and daughter in law, our role as daughters being conveniently forgotten.

It's not about the holidays that you take your wives to, it's about those few minutes you spend with them every day. Just asking 'how was the day? How do you feel?' is what she quietly wishes for.

Its about you taking a stand for them when they are surrounded by questioning eyes. I am not saying everyone is or will be successful, I am not saying every decision is right. But when you say 'I'm with you', they will damn sure make it a point not to harm the sanctity of the house. That will give them true security, that will charge them up with the challenges of the next day.

So whether you do anything else for them or not, please don't bond her try to connect with her!

Looking towards a better ambience...

GOD BLESS!!

CHS

Maa...

Its that time of the month again...

Going to be two months since Maa is not physically around. The dates 22 to the end of the month not only rewinds December '22 but also makes her physical absence more profound. Apart from terribly missing her, I have learnt so much more. Things that we otherwise knew but never accepted perhaps.

Death is the Eternal Truth of Life.

No matter how much we earn, how well we have lived or how successful or vulnerable we have been. No matter how many people constitute our friends and family, nobody can change that one second that will make us a person to a mere body, one has to and will leave everything and just vanish!

Family is way important than we treat it.

This is made up of our parents, siblings, spouses, children and those very few people who may be our cousins/extended family/ friends that shatter the boundaries of time and distance just to be with you in your moment of sorrow. I was fortunate to have such wonderful souls around me who not only made a point to listen but also silently sat next to me while I spoke nothing.

The ones who care do not look for excuses.

By now many of us may have encountered situations where we are in need of someone (in or out of family). I have had people who travelled distances just to meet us. I have had some others who called to talk, saying they are praying God give us strength to go through this situation, that they are just a call away anytime I need them. Those were some things that worked like a balm on the wound.

There were others who called once and when I did not pick, did not bother to call again. Maybe they would have thought they have fulfilled whatever obligation they have towards me. There were those who called and said we will see when we can come and meet you. There were yet others (so called close ones) who texted offering condolences and promising to meet as soon as possible.

At first I was disheartened by these variety show of concern. It broke my heart to know that those I really cared for could not spare a few minutes to meet me or even call and find out if I was okay. It was my mum, not theirs', do the same with them! (my inner demon whispered).

Then I looked within and questioned if I had ever been available to them in their tough times. Well, I did when I knew and may be not when we lost touch. So I concluded that I had no right to make judgements about or be disappointed with people who did not share my sorrow. My sorrow is mine, I needn't wait for others to lessen that. 

Maa never shared her sorrows with everyone, she spread joy and happiness. She met everyone with warmth and love irrespective of who had done what, she never changed her behaviour towards them. She has somehow made me more considerate and sensitive towards others.

True meaning of 'Life Goes On'.

I came back to Marathahalli a month later just to find out everything here was the same. I had to do the same chores, people around me had the same issues, some were being the same pain in the asses they had always been! Nothing had changed!

My day started and ended the same way but an hour in the afternoon, when Maa usually called me was suddenly quiet. I was directionless in many things per se but those were times my tears turned to waterfalls. Nights were terrible too. I thought of her before sleep and then I couldn't sleep.

My behaviour had changed, I was quieter and mostly lost. I did not even react at Cherith's mischiefs. It was the unending support and understanding from hubby and some supernatural power from above that refuses to give up on me that has put me in a better mental place now.

No matter how hard it had been for us to believe, no matter how difficult it was to say a final goodbye, no matter how much we cling on to her memories, no matter how many tears we shed looking at her pictures and videos, matter of factly she has transformed into an unknown, unseen power that we can only feel and experience. She is still trying to make us get used to being on our own (with each others support). May be she thought we'd do fairly well given her upbringing. So whenever someone asks me how I am, I reply "I'm fine". That sounds like the beginning of Life goes on..

Bonds are made or broken in tough times.

We did not know how each of us would tackle our part of the pain. We never really spoke about it. We made it a point to avoid crying in front of Papa and getting him back to his routine as soon as possible. Things may look unchanged but so much has changed for each one of us. We siblings have become more responsible in taking care of each other, we talk to each other everyday be it just for a few minutes.

I reckon my maternal aunt (Sushi masi) saying "No one is going to stand for you, you have to be together and stronger more than ever now". She was rightly right.

Maa played different roles for each of us. She was the Recipient of Chetan's mischief, The Fountain of love for kids, The Go To person for Dimple, The Adorer of Hubby and Jiju, The Disciplinarian for Bhavna di, the Saviour for Sany, the Chitchat and Laughter Partner for me and a Caretaker for all of us. But before all of us, she has spent some Beautiful 45 years of marriage with Papa and we can not measure the depth of his loss. He seems to be fine externally but I'm hoping and praying that her memories make him stronger.. 

As 26th nears, I revisit that day but with a calmer mind. Her love somehow seems to flow through all of us uninterruptedly as we take on each of our responsibilities. I hope that we wake up each morning with her blessings and sleep with her love filling out all the voids in our hearts. We strive to make you proud.

Guide us Maa... (Until we see you again)

Lots of love from all of us...