Coming to terms..

How do you come to terms with death?

Death of a parent, a partner, a friend, a companion, a loved one!

Maa left us on 26th December and I it hasn't yet sinked in.. She took her last breath in front of me and sany and we could not understand that she is leaving us. Her good deeds and prayers payed off and she did not suffer before resting forever.

But she left us all dazed and disoriented. We are still trying to collect the shattered pieces and put the picture together again. While we kids have our ways of dealing with this, I feel the most hurt to see Paa go through this.

He looks at her wardrobe and checks all the things she's left behind, telling stories about them, asking his kids to use them. He sleeps in the same room, asking his daughter to use his wife's blanket.

He sees her imperfect photo and asks us to get another one made because his wife isn't looking the same she used to (she always had a glowing smile, he reminded us). 

He wakes up in the morning and first thing he does is filling the lamp to light in front of her photo. He stands in front of her photo, staring at her for long, silently talks to her, just the way they may have done all these years. He would have never given her a flower in 45 years of their marriage and I saw him pluck flowers to put on her photo.

He hugs people close to him and complains to them that she did not even tell him if she had any discomfort or pain. He tells his kids have to look after him now else what will he do?

I see him shiver when he misses her badly, when he talks to people about her. He still cribs about her unorganization ans tells his kids to organize her things.

We siblings haven't spoken to each other much about her. Our kids do however, while we listen with teary eyes. People ask us to stay strong for Pa, look after him and stay closely knit now more than ever.

Relatives and friends come to meet us and when they ask us about her, we talk in past tense.. Some things hit me so hard that I think I will never lead my life like I used to before..

Like I will never be like I used to be before. I continue to talk to Maa, share things with her, ask for her permission before touching her things. I feel she has become more powerful now, she is not only watching and listening to us but also has the specialty to reward or punish us as she deems fit.

So Maa, I promise you I will be here for each and everyone of our family. To listen to them, care for them and do everything to the best of my ability. I will try to be warm and nice. Will do as many good deeds as I can.

I promise to keep your memories alive and will try to live as joyfully as you did. I pray that I leave this world as happily as you did, in style!

Love you always, miss you...