Last show...

Wedding season has started and we are all thrilled and excited to get 3 of our family members married..

The first wedding is on 4th of December and the celebrations started two days earlier. Everything seemed in place, the people, the food, the happiness and the mood. But I felt bits of me scattered in different places..

While I am supremely happy for my baby to have found his "The one and only", I'm terrible missing "The one and only" of our lives - Maa..

We have never known weddings or celebrations without her. Her energy, her laughter, her irritation to apply mehendi, her being on toes to help, her singing geet, her performing traditions, her way of doting daughters and playfully welcoming son-in - laws, her adoration for daughter-in-laws, her hospitality and her dance.. Her saying, don't worry, I'm here. In short, her presence everywhere...

Above all, her presence right next to papa... 

We all shed a tear or two remembering her but there are lot more layers to just that external show of our reminiscence of her.. 

Papa and bhai's silence, her daughters heavy voices, her beloved daughter in laws eyes, the groom's mother missing her guide for the wedding and many many of us who think and talk about what she'd have done here and how she'd have enjoyed that...

I saw bhabhi getting points to remember and things to pack for the wedding from her mom and I wondered who will guide us when it will be our turn... 

Anyhow, this is the last wedding of this year, the last show of the year but bitterly the first of the many that we will have to celebrate without her.. 

I din't know how to deal with this emptiness before but now I don't want to anymore. There is a vacuum but she has flawlessly earned a place that can never be replaced or refilled. So I'm at peace with it now.

Im sure she is with us, looking at us, celebrating with us, cheering us on to chin up and do our best in everything. Please Stay with us in spirits..

Immensely missing the purest soul..

Love you Maa...

Food for the soul..

Yesterday was one of the happiest and most beautiful days of my life. An experience registered in my memory to cherish forever.. 

I had been to Arihant group of institutions to witness all kinds of art made by students and artists of Magic Touch Art School managed by a beautiful soul that guides children and adults to fill colours in their lives.

A beautiful rangoli made of painted pebbles welcomed us as we walked inside to a mesmerising painting of Lord Mahaveer. A huge cutout of numerous colourful kids stuck together cheered us further.

Right ahead was a room that displayed still art work done by teeny weeny artists aged 3 onwards. To the right was an engaging activity room for one and all. It had a huge canvas waiting to be coloured, impromptu scenary creation and painting fridge magnets that we could take home.

Floors 1 to 3 had 4 rooms each displaying artworks made with colour pencils, crayons, paint, oil paints framed with names and details of artists. Even the walls along the stairways had colourful pieces stuck together. There was no room left, no space wasted and every inch utilized to the fullest to display various forms of art. With very few of them up for sale, it was nothing less than a treat to the eyes.

Papa was my company as we both looked at the exhibits bewitched. He mentioned Prerith's work quite a few times to me as I wondered how Maa would have appreciated her grandchildren's work. How proud she'd be.

There were beautiful quotes on art in every room. Ganapati, Hanumanji, Lord Mahaveer, Lord Parshwanath, Lord Shiva, holy pilgrimage Palitanaji adorned the classroom walls. Real - life inspired sketches and paintings of old, kids, rajasthani men and women, folk dance performers, leaves, trees, flowers, animals, scenaries the list was unending... Everything we can see and imagine was framed.

Throughout the time, I had 'kholo kholo darwaze' song from Taree zameen par playing in my head on loop as my eyes widened at each artwork and my lips went aww, wow, amazing, oh my god!

It was such an amazing Sunday. I witnessed work made by known and unknown kids and how I wished magic touch had a centre nearby where I and Cherith could polish our inner artists too.

From the moment I stepped in to the moment I walked out, my inner child was enjoying, jumping with joy and indulging itself at every opportunity to fill colours in empty spaces. I'm sure others there also felt we were back to school at some point.

Art is indeed food for the soul, let's make sure we spend some time to rekindle the little artists in us. Our works need not be frameworthy, but we need to get our hands dirty with colours so that the children in us remain spotless souls.

Kudos to each and every artist whose work beautified the rooms and brought an empty institute alive.

To the first love of my life - Art.

CHEERS!

GOD BLESS!!

CHS.

Ethereal...

So day before night I crashed early, I thought I could really use the extra hour of sleep to rejuvenate my body that is lazy to get out of bed at 6 every morning.

After about an hour of sleep, I don't know why I started having a very sharp pain in my stomach. At first it felt like I was dreaming of having pain, I held on to my tummy but when it worsened, I realized it was real.

I tumbled in the bed, my cries woke hem up too.. He worriedly asked what happened. I couldn't say much but managed to blurt out 'stomach'. He asked 'When did you have food?' I was rolling my eyes (in my mind) for that question. '6' I said.

'You must be hungry, that's why the pain. Shall I get you some biscuits?' he enquired. This time I couldn't answer. I squeezed my hands deeper into my tummy, praying the pain would subside. It din't.

I got up, sat in vajrasana, lied down again in vajrasana, slept on my stomach, got up again, deep breathed, prayed, squeezed my muscles, nothing seemed to help. In my head, I was wondering what was the reason for this terrible pain. I slowly had two sips of water as he sleepily, yet nervously looked at on.

Just in that moment, I kind of felt a whisper in my ear and I repeated the same words aloud. Hem quickly got on his feet, looked for the small box that contained what I needed and handed it over to me along with a spoon.

I opened the box, it was my parents' recipe for stomach ache. Main ingredient being carrom seeds, it had a lot of medicinal components that are very good for the stomach. Skeptical if it would work, I took a spoonful of the mixture and gulped it down with water thinking..

It usually takes about 20 to 25 minutes for it to work but that night, my pain kind of vanished while I could feel the mixture still travelling down my esophagus.

I couldn't believe what just happened, he asked if I wanted more water and as if I din't hear him, I quietly closed my eyes and lied down. I don't know when I slept but I dint have any pain thereafter.

When I awoke the next morning, the first thing he asked was if I'm fine. I started thinking about last night and replayed the scene in my head.

It was Maa who whispered 'Take the ajwain mixture'. She then caringly touched my stomach as I gulped the mixture. I could feel her lap when I lied down immediately after.

I recollected thinking about her all day, the previous day and I prayed to meet her in my dream. That didn't happen but I nearly felt her ethereal presence.

Her kids could do anything at all to get to see her or talk to her once (if it were ever possible). In our heads we are conversing with her in our own way, thinking about her consciously or subconsciously.

I do not know if there is really a way of connecting with her but I'm so so so grateful to her for letting me know she is around.

Miss You Maa..

Immitation - Limitation.

So we have all seen hairdos, clothes and characters of actors and artists from movies being copied by audience. None of which are actually needed.

I recently watched Tu Jhooti Main Makkar and Rocky and Rani ki prem kahani. Ranbir and Alia starring in them respectively, working on a closely related subject.

Love, Family and Relationships. Despite being two different plots, I felt the message was the same. Both the movies put across the message that women in our lives need to be given importance and respect in real sense.

When Shraddha wore a kurta to meet Ranbir's family, they cornered him saying why did you ask her to wear a kurta, we aren't backward!

When Alia (in the latter) asks Ranveer why does a girl have to leave her family after marriage? Is it a written rule? It struck a chord.

These things resonate with every girl. It makes me wonder, why aren't these thoughts replicated in our homes? After all we learn so much from movies, why not learn things that make our families better, more so equal??

Of course there are families that have working women, but crores of other Indian women are the homemakers who not only are denied their dreams but end up being bonded labours all their lives.

They are expected to cover thier heads let alone freedom to wear what they like. They need to get permission to go out, let alone being given a break. People frown when they go to meet their family, let alone treating them as one.

They are not allowed to make decisions, their opinions and thoughts are unwelcome and they are not at all permitted to fall sick. They feed everyone and no one cares to know if they have eaten too. They are expected to take care of elders, kids, guests, relatives but no one bothers to care for them.

Despite all of this, the least time that they get to spend with, are their husbands. The ones that they leave everything behind eventually forget that biggest sacrifice their wives make while moving into their homes. Will they be able to do the same? Will a husband move to another home, city or country for his wife? You know the answer.

Many say that there's nothing new with that. Their mothers, grand mothers and their mothers have been doing the same thing. I just want to know, did they ever bother to find out their mother's talent/hobby?

Don't tell me they had none, I'm sure they did but never nurtured it because they had families to nurture. My mother loved to dance, she enjoyed movies, shopping, going out with family. She too spent a major chunk of her life serving family tirelessly but when we grew up, we made sure she got to do what she loved.

Unfortunately we can't do that anymore but we are glad we could give her little joy for sometime. So do our husbands wait for our kids to grow up, so that they stand up for their mothers, discover their talents and fulfill their mother's desires?

Why does HE hesitate to support, stand by his so called better half when SHE wouldn't hesitate to do so, if the roles were reversed??

There is still lots to be imbibed from our movies, in terms of new ideas, changing thought processes, eliminating baseless traditions and truly embracing co-existance.

My questions won't cease to exist but I'll leave you with a last and important one, people copy what is entertaining not what is essential. Why is there a limitation to the imitation (the one that's actually needed)?

GOD BLESS!

CHS

Lies in Hell..!

Hell.. That's unpleasant and unwelcome, above all morbid!

So yesterday right after taking a shower, I was hugged by chilling cold winds and my teeth chattered.. "Ooooh... Who says only fire is deadly, cold is killing too..."

We have always heard people say narak ki agni, dozakh ki aag. Why hasn't anyone used the phrase dozakh ki barf or narak ki thand?

Ok stop laughing, seriously.. Why do we always link rage, heat and fire to hell when in truth silence, cold and snow can be just as fatal?

We have witnessed many times that people die of extreme heat and extreme cold. Doesn't that prove my point? 

If war is an act of rage, isn't the silence in the houses of the martyrs chilling? If violence is unbearable, aren't the dumb spectators intolerable too? If riots and rioters threaten law and order, doesn't the silence of million others, just sitting and watching result to unlawfulness as well?? 

If the cruelty that happened with the people of Manipur left us speechless, isn't the inactivity of the police and government suffocating too??

When anger leads to heated arguments, tussles and huge fights, they result in disrespect and distance. When cold behaviours lead to ignorance and voicelessness, they result in dejection and detachment. Both scenarios tear relationships apart.

Like the saying goes 'Too much is too bad', too much heat burns our bodies starting from outside and too much cold stiffens our muscles and freezes our breath from within.

For now, it feels as if everything told to us about what lies in hell, was all lies!!

So I'd like to believe that hell isn't just about a huge pot of hot boiling oil that we will be fried in or the massive flames of fire waiting to devour us. I guess there may be a corner which is designed to freeze us to death (after death), the falling temperature and its winds awaiting to swallow us. My words are creating a landscape in my mind right now.

One can never know or tell where he or she has gone, if at all there was a means to know where our loved ones are...

In any case, let's all just make sure to be elements of the earth (not hell) by being warm and breezy.. Our warmth may unexpectedly give someone a beautiful memory to take. Our pleasant behaviour may be a reason for someone to smile or just feel better..

Remember we are all on different journeys with struggles curated especially for us, let's not make others' journey tough or painful. After all, why scatter thorns when we can't afford roses ourselves??

If this can make the world a little less brutal and a little more favourable, I bet it'd be worth a try.. And you're still free to share your version of hell with me.. Let's get hell brainstorming!!

CHEERS!!

GOD BLESS!

CHS

 

Follow - on.

Today two very small but big things happened..

Oxymoron, you'd say.. Explanation follows..

One of my father in law's cousins is in town. So hubby and his brother decided to invite him and his son for breakfast. While telling me more about him, hubby said he was dear to my father in law and that's why they wanted to invite him.

So I prepared 3 South Indian dishes and hoped they have a good meal.

All went well and they left and while clearing up, I thought of a person whom Maa looked after like a daughter. Impulsively, I picked my phone and dialled her number.

Her name is Almelu, she was house help for my aunt when we stayed in the same building. She may have not worked at home too long but never refused to help when Maa called her for extra work and just asked her to step in and have tea/lunch.

She fondly called Maa - mummy as she lost her mother when she was a little girl. Her aunt used to work for us and she got Almelu along many times. When she grew older, she started working too and thus the acquaintance.

Its still all fresh in my mind, her conversations with Maa, the way she used to look upto her. How she adored her just for being a pure, calming soul in this unjust, cruel world. She would apologize unstopably when she couldn't come over and would go back grateful when Maa told her "It's okay if you don't come to work, but make sure you come and meet me once in a few days."

I could sense exhilaration in her voice when she knew it's me. We exchanged pleasantries and I told her I just thought about her and called.

She told me how Maa used to call her to meet every 20-25 days. She fell quiet after saying "I don't get a call so frequently from home now and I miss mummy so much.." but I miss her so much. I told her to go home when she can and meet didis and bhabhi. I politely hung up as I found myself at a loss of words to continue.

Tears rolled down and I realized how people who are gone are still remembered and loved. There are people(other than blood relatives) who think about them, miss them, look upto them, talk about them and silently pray they were still around. I asked myself "What would they have done?" and someone from within answered, "They cared!"

They cared for everyone irrespective of their social stature, their distance or even them being close or far off relatives. This also reminded me of one of my maternal uncles, who by the lineage was far but called Maa fortnightly to give updates about what's happening in his life.

He actually eloped and got married and Maa was the first person who he called to inform about it. I reckon sitting next to her when she picked the landline and she almost shouted. She was so happy and upset at the same time..

I was somehow very happy and proud of hubby. He may not have something great but grabbing an opportunity to maintain his father's bond with the people he cared about touched my heart differently today.

After talking to Almelu, I felt bad for not calling her earlier. Sany and Chetan are good and making and keeping relationships, just like Maa. I have been secluded in many ways, but now I want to make sure to talk to these few people who were very very dear to Maa so we can remember her and I can keep her alive.

A small gesture, a phone call is all it takes for us to follow on our parents' footsteps. If that little something makes a difference to someone's life or even brightens the day for someone, we should not let that chance go.

Making donations and having prayer services for the departed mean special undoubtedly but making their special ones feel connected is inexpensively priceless.

I doubt if I'd ever be remembered and missed so fondly after becoming inanimate but while I'm here, I will make sure to keep Maa and Papa's good deeds in practise..

I'll try my best to be the person you were Maa. Please continue to bless us from above. May you shine on.. Lots of love..

GOD BLESS!!

CHS

Non - Dominant!

I am experiencing peculiar wrist pain in my right hand since last 10 days.. Peculiar because it is not constant (comes and goes as it wills), its omnipresent (its there but I don't feel it at times and sometimes it's just unbearable).

So I felt extreme pain last night and early this morning (I could feel pain even in my sleep) and despite taking extra help from my left hand, my right wrist seems to have decided to protest.

I have been using my left hand all day. From doing laundry to cleaning, kneading dough to fluffing chapatis, cooking and mixing, my left hand proved to be a saviour today. And for whatever tasks I used it, my left hand would have been slow but it was just and efficient and my right.

After Maa left us, a few thoughts, questions rather keep popping in my mind every now and then. How does papa wake up every morning, how does he continue to smile and keep going, how does he go to sleep at night knowing that the one he spent 45 years with, the one he made a beautiful family with is not around anymore.

Come to think of it, I am petrified at the thought of having to spend a day without hubby. But I guess today my left hand has answered few of these unanswered questions for me.

Maa may have been the driving force, the one that kept us all glued together all her life. She has always been the dominant one. Papa was the non dominant one, only watching and listening and giving opinions only when needed. 

Of course the decision making was mutual but he never had to worry about the zillion little things in her presence. And now he has taken forefront and I'm amazed at how well he is trying to balance it all out.

The one more thing that I realized is how we casually underestimate the significance of our non dominant hand. Similar to how underrated homemakers are in society at large.

I mean they are always there, they manage and micromanage every little chore and still hold least value generally. Do Homemakers like myself have to prove our worth only by going out there and earning, or working from home?

I am totally in favour of financial independance but does that alone mark as a measure of our importance? I want to confess here that I am fighting a battle with myself since past few months. One of the reasons being - I'm a homemaker.

When someone ever called me a housewife, it felt like a silent insult. I was trying to analyze my worth using various parameters, scrutinizing myself each day. What I failed to realize is that my mother, aunts, grandmothers have spent their lives at home taking care of children and relationships.

We are the more educated lot, yes and we have many more ways of existing. But when we decide to be at home, it's our choice. And definitely not an easy one as we are on duty without pay and holiday.

So taking the most important lesson from my left hand (the non-dominant one). I am not going to traumatize myself anymore. I am not going to put myself under my own microscope in anticipation of finding my worth.

I am at peace with being just a homemaker. I am at peace with being the non-dominant one. No matter who sees my worth, I know what I am worthy of. I love writing and will continue to do that unapologetically..

Also, its amazing how the Non-Dominant ones can be just as adept and can accomplish the unimaginable when put to test. We have come across many such inspiring stories through cinema and news. Look out for them for they hold hidden power. The power that can change traditions, mindsets, course of lives and the world.

Cheers to the non- dominant ones!

CHEERS TO HOMEMAKERS!

GOD BLESS!!

CHS

The place...

I'm writing this from a mini wedding function. Wondering what that means? Let's start from the beginning.

We Rajasthanis celebrate the birth of boys with great enthusiasm (sadly not the same for all girls). The boy's first holi is celebrated just like his wedding.

It is called dhundh. So the little kid is dressed like a groom, taken to jain temple on a horse, band and bajaa, family and friends to celebrate, delicious food and play of colours later on.

Maternal grandparents shower their little male grandchild and his family with lots of gifts, sweets, jewellery and clothes. Most important is the baby groom's attire.

Men welcome their male relatives and counterparts while women adore the kid singing dhundh geet (songs to praise the charm of the baby while blessing him).

Generally it is this. Changes depend of families, their choices and their respective traditions. All in all it is a mini wedding, but without the bride.

So I'm here at a friend's son's dhundh and after visiting the temple, we headed the venue for the function. Everyone is catching up, kids are having their time, relatives are gossiping and just before we could enter the function area, 2 ladies stood outside singing dhundh geet.

I looked to my right and noticed it was my friend's mom and aunt. And it took me back 7 years when it was Cherith's dhundh. In all the meet and greet, only a mother will remember to do these traditional things pouring her child and grandchild with cascading love and special blessings.

I remember when we were going to the temple, Maa was sitting right beside me with Cherith is her hands singing dhundh geet all alone. She did not care how loud she sounded, whether she could pull it off alone (it's usually sung my many ladies together), or even if anyone was listening to her or not.

I remember her enegertic gesture, playing with cherry, kissing him loads with more and more love catapulting. The moment I had that scene running in my mind my eyes filled and I could not control my tears.

I stopped before it got embarrassing and someone looked at me and wondered why I was crying in a place where people are happy, singing and dancing.

But it got me thinking how drastically things have changed not only for us but for our kids as well. Those hands that always blessed, arms that always hugged, faces that smiled and prayers that were meant only for our kids just vanish one day. I'm sure all that continues from heavens above but we miss it in real.

Everyone's wishing happy Mother's day to all the women who hold that kind of place in their lives. I wished Maa in the morning and dont feel like extending my wishes to anyone else apart from her. Because no one ever did and ever will hold that place in my heart.

Hoping you are in a happy place and looking at us Maa... 

The Passage...

So this one time, at our old home in city, there was an all ladies get together..

Me and sany had arranged snacks and dessert and somewhere from late afternoon sisters started walking in. When Seema di arrived, I saw mom standing right before her, staring at me with her shiny, gleeming eyes. The next moment she is not to be seen. A while later, Anita didi was taking off her footwear and the same thing happened.

"What are you doing Maa?" I questioned her. Without giving a reply she lifhtfootedly walked into the kitchen. I dismissed the idea of following her.

A few minutes had passed and she popped in front of me again, this time just walking into her room without looking at me. Unable to ignore my inquisitive mind, I quietly followed her all set to unsolve the mystery.

Her back was still towards me when I reached the room. I was admiring her cream saree with vibrant red flowers curled in big dark green leaves.

Such big prints also look good on her I was thinking when she turned. This time there was no shine in her gleeming eyes. She just looked at me peculiarly. I couldn't make out anything of it and she did not talk either.

I walked closed to her and hugged her as tight as I could. I guess I'd been holding her for very long. She seemed surprised by my behaviour but did not attempt to get away or break the embrace. 

I continued to hug her and felt immense love, immeasurable warmth and oddles of energy. My eyes were closed all this while and when I opened my eyes, I was smiling to myself, as if I had won something momentous.

And then the ceiling fan caught my attention. 'How can I see it without looking up?' I wondered. After looking around I discovered that I was lying on my bed, in Marathahalli. There was no sign of Maa...

I smiled and thought, I'll hug her the same way when I go home next time. With that in my mind, I woke up happy and got on with my daily chores. It was just a while later that reality struck like a whip.

All this had never happened. It was a dream I had yesterday morning. I saw Maa, again. This was the third time I saw her in my dream. where she saw me but did not speak. The saree she wore was the one I had taken from her wardrobe. I did think how she'd look in it whenever I wore it.

I had actually spent the previous whole day thinking about her, missing her, wanting to talk to her. May be she dint want me to feel lonely again.

I can not hug her, ever again. But mysteriously somehow, I still feel the warmth of that hug in my dream.

I don't know what she tried to convey but I hope this passage (where I can meet her) be open forever..

Love you Maa...

Connect..

If you have been married, you know what I am talking about. And if you are going to be married, some do's and don'ts for you follow.

Marriage is beautiful I agree, but being married.... I have no words. It is a mixture of varying emotions mostly unexpressed.

This is more from my point of view as a home maker in an unknown home.

We spend the first few months/years understanding every soul. We do everything for them, from cooking to laundry, from shopping to organizing, from giving birth to parenting. Eventually, we are so engrossed in the routine that we make these things a part of our lifestyle. We habituate ourselves into doing other jobs and feel a sense of compliance to just go on.

Imagine a few days out of home, what do we see when we come back? We see the next couple of days cleaning and organizing the mess made in our absence.

Why can't things be the way we left them? Why can't people take charge of chores in our absence? Why is there something (that was our job) always left to do?

Husbands; they know our importance but never acknowledge it until we are around or something happens to us. They do not take time out usually while we wait for them to return from work every single day. They think we are supposed to do what we are doing while the truth is, we are doing way more than our capacity just to keep things going smoothly for the rest of the family.

When a girl marries into a house, she should be added just like any other person in the family. Why should she be treated as the sole reponsible soul for the chores that are everybody's job?

Why does it create chaos when she is unwell? Why does it upset others when she doesn't want to cook one day? Or wants to take a break? Why is she expected to keep everything in place especially when she is not the one creating the mess? Why does she have to encountered rude, cold behaviours when she wishes to go out?

I somehow feel that the definition - Sundar, sushil, sukanya for marriage was created to weigh down the dreams of every girl. Traditions turn into shackles that chain her freedom. To define what she should be like instead of how she actually is. Her voice suppressed in the name of honour, her dreams shunned to fuel their pride.

I sadly say this but no girl is ever the same as she used to be. Many times she loses her individual identity to fit in or is made to do so.

You may say that things have changed now, there is equality and freedom of expression. Let me remind you that are reffering to those few thousand upgraded homes while I am talking about those millions of other households (irrespective of religion/caste) that exist in every corner of this country.

I agree that marriage is a huge transition in one's life, be it a girl or a boy. But why in the name of marriage change the basics of our human nature? Why can't we remain funny and loud? Why can't you show some sensitivity and love? Why can't there be choices made without confrontations? Why can't respect, understanding and support be the pillars of our homes?

To the husbands reading this..

We understand you work all day to provide for us but you have to understand that all we want is your companionship in every situation. We do not like to be reminded that our existence in your homes is for mere fulfilment of responsibilities that you think are ours!

We are expected to take care of everyone in the family irrespective of their behaviour or thoughts about us, aren't we entitled to soem care for ourselves? We are expected to give up our likes and accept things we dislike just to please others while experiencing discomfort ourselves.

The bindi, the mangalsutra, the bangles, the anklets become means of keeping us reminded that we are someone's wife and daughter in law, our role as daughters being conveniently forgotten.

It's not about the holidays that you take your wives to, it's about those few minutes you spend with them every day. Just asking 'how was the day? How do you feel?' is what she quietly wishes for.

Its about you taking a stand for them when they are surrounded by questioning eyes. I am not saying everyone is or will be successful, I am not saying every decision is right. But when you say 'I'm with you', they will damn sure make it a point not to harm the sanctity of the house. That will give them true security, that will charge them up with the challenges of the next day.

So whether you do anything else for them or not, please don't bond her try to connect with her!

Looking towards a better ambience...

GOD BLESS!!

CHS

Maa...

Its that time of the month again...

Going to be two months since Maa is not physically around. The dates 22 to the end of the month not only rewinds December '22 but also makes her physical absence more profound. Apart from terribly missing her, I have learnt so much more. Things that we otherwise knew but never accepted perhaps.

Death is the Eternal Truth of Life.

No matter how much we earn, how well we have lived or how successful or vulnerable we have been. No matter how many people constitute our friends and family, nobody can change that one second that will make us a person to a mere body, one has to and will leave everything and just vanish!

Family is way important than we treat it.

This is made up of our parents, siblings, spouses, children and those very few people who may be our cousins/extended family/ friends that shatter the boundaries of time and distance just to be with you in your moment of sorrow. I was fortunate to have such wonderful souls around me who not only made a point to listen but also silently sat next to me while I spoke nothing.

The ones who care do not look for excuses.

By now many of us may have encountered situations where we are in need of someone (in or out of family). I have had people who travelled distances just to meet us. I have had some others who called to talk, saying they are praying God give us strength to go through this situation, that they are just a call away anytime I need them. Those were some things that worked like a balm on the wound.

There were others who called once and when I did not pick, did not bother to call again. Maybe they would have thought they have fulfilled whatever obligation they have towards me. There were those who called and said we will see when we can come and meet you. There were yet others (so called close ones) who texted offering condolences and promising to meet as soon as possible.

At first I was disheartened by these variety show of concern. It broke my heart to know that those I really cared for could not spare a few minutes to meet me or even call and find out if I was okay. It was my mum, not theirs', do the same with them! (my inner demon whispered).

Then I looked within and questioned if I had ever been available to them in their tough times. Well, I did when I knew and may be not when we lost touch. So I concluded that I had no right to make judgements about or be disappointed with people who did not share my sorrow. My sorrow is mine, I needn't wait for others to lessen that. 

Maa never shared her sorrows with everyone, she spread joy and happiness. She met everyone with warmth and love irrespective of who had done what, she never changed her behaviour towards them. She has somehow made me more considerate and sensitive towards others.

True meaning of 'Life Goes On'.

I came back to Marathahalli a month later just to find out everything here was the same. I had to do the same chores, people around me had the same issues, some were being the same pain in the asses they had always been! Nothing had changed!

My day started and ended the same way but an hour in the afternoon, when Maa usually called me was suddenly quiet. I was directionless in many things per se but those were times my tears turned to waterfalls. Nights were terrible too. I thought of her before sleep and then I couldn't sleep.

My behaviour had changed, I was quieter and mostly lost. I did not even react at Cherith's mischiefs. It was the unending support and understanding from hubby and some supernatural power from above that refuses to give up on me that has put me in a better mental place now.

No matter how hard it had been for us to believe, no matter how difficult it was to say a final goodbye, no matter how much we cling on to her memories, no matter how many tears we shed looking at her pictures and videos, matter of factly she has transformed into an unknown, unseen power that we can only feel and experience. She is still trying to make us get used to being on our own (with each others support). May be she thought we'd do fairly well given her upbringing. So whenever someone asks me how I am, I reply "I'm fine". That sounds like the beginning of Life goes on..

Bonds are made or broken in tough times.

We did not know how each of us would tackle our part of the pain. We never really spoke about it. We made it a point to avoid crying in front of Papa and getting him back to his routine as soon as possible. Things may look unchanged but so much has changed for each one of us. We siblings have become more responsible in taking care of each other, we talk to each other everyday be it just for a few minutes.

I reckon my maternal aunt (Sushi masi) saying "No one is going to stand for you, you have to be together and stronger more than ever now". She was rightly right.

Maa played different roles for each of us. She was the Recipient of Chetan's mischief, The Fountain of love for kids, The Go To person for Dimple, The Adorer of Hubby and Jiju, The Disciplinarian for Bhavna di, the Saviour for Sany, the Chitchat and Laughter Partner for me and a Caretaker for all of us. But before all of us, she has spent some Beautiful 45 years of marriage with Papa and we can not measure the depth of his loss. He seems to be fine externally but I'm hoping and praying that her memories make him stronger.. 

As 26th nears, I revisit that day but with a calmer mind. Her love somehow seems to flow through all of us uninterruptedly as we take on each of our responsibilities. I hope that we wake up each morning with her blessings and sleep with her love filling out all the voids in our hearts. We strive to make you proud.

Guide us Maa... (Until we see you again)

Lots of love from all of us...

Coming to terms..

How do you come to terms with death?

Death of a parent, a partner, a friend, a companion, a loved one!

Maa left us on 26th December and I it hasn't yet sinked in.. She took her last breath in front of me and sany and we could not understand that she is leaving us. Her good deeds and prayers payed off and she did not suffer before resting forever.

But she left us all dazed and disoriented. We are still trying to collect the shattered pieces and put the picture together again. While we kids have our ways of dealing with this, I feel the most hurt to see Paa go through this.

He looks at her wardrobe and checks all the things she's left behind, telling stories about them, asking his kids to use them. He sleeps in the same room, asking his daughter to use his wife's blanket.

He sees her imperfect photo and asks us to get another one made because his wife isn't looking the same she used to (she always had a glowing smile, he reminded us). 

He wakes up in the morning and first thing he does is filling the lamp to light in front of her photo. He stands in front of her photo, staring at her for long, silently talks to her, just the way they may have done all these years. He would have never given her a flower in 45 years of their marriage and I saw him pluck flowers to put on her photo.

He hugs people close to him and complains to them that she did not even tell him if she had any discomfort or pain. He tells his kids have to look after him now else what will he do?

I see him shiver when he misses her badly, when he talks to people about her. He still cribs about her unorganization ans tells his kids to organize her things.

We siblings haven't spoken to each other much about her. Our kids do however, while we listen with teary eyes. People ask us to stay strong for Pa, look after him and stay closely knit now more than ever.

Relatives and friends come to meet us and when they ask us about her, we talk in past tense.. Some things hit me so hard that I think I will never lead my life like I used to before..

Like I will never be like I used to be before. I continue to talk to Maa, share things with her, ask for her permission before touching her things. I feel she has become more powerful now, she is not only watching and listening to us but also has the specialty to reward or punish us as she deems fit.

So Maa, I promise you I will be here for each and everyone of our family. To listen to them, care for them and do everything to the best of my ability. I will try to be warm and nice. Will do as many good deeds as I can.

I promise to keep your memories alive and will try to live as joyfully as you did. I pray that I leave this world as happily as you did, in style!

Love you always, miss you...